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First part of "The Original Sin" storyline.

This first segment introduces Logan Drake, one of the protagonist of the story, as well as the main male lead.

Any revision, suggestion, oppinion, thoughts or just honest feelings about the setting, the tone, the interest (or lack of) to read more and such are most than welcome.

I expect to do a Visual Novel with this script, so your feelings about it are a wonderful addition and might help me refine any rough edges there might be ^^

Fate out!
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qbsuperstar's avatar
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star: Vision
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Impact

I'm going to be looking strictly at the fight scene, which looks like it's going to be a bitch to animate or at least illustrate. First, breaking the fat guy's wrist with it's below your chin with one hand. I can see you turning it into any of a number of armlocks, but outright snapping something at this range seems a little unrealistic. Maybe twist his arm or something.

First guy rushing you with his knife outstretched like some kind of lancer? The counter seems good, having him rush headlong into his partner instead of you. Then there's another guy coming out with an ice pick, probably trying to give your brain some extra oxygen. Possibly he's holding it over his head and screaming, or maybe behind his back for a baseball swing at your torso. I'd go with the latter because it would make the counter you wrote easier to perform--overhead holds mean that his elbows could get in the way.

Now it seems that all this time you've still had one hand on your briefcase, while giving Mr. Knife a dirt nap, using the momentum to bring your briefcase around and give Mr. Pick a roundhouse. That's gonna leave a mark.

Now it seems that before Mr. Pick hits the ground, you pull him back up and use him as a shield against a guy with a gun, presumably Mr. Knife still shaken from having accidentally stabbed his buddy. and deciding to switch tactics. (Remember, Logan didn't lay out this guy, but instead used him to neutralize another enemy.)

So Mr. Knife's gun jams, and he's freaking out trying to clear it while you advance on him. One final desperate attack doesn't work--he throws it in fear instead of using the gun for pistol whipping. The use of the word "cylinder" tells me he was using a revolver.

Overall, the fight scene needs some polish with the mechanics. My suggestion would be to go through the motions slowly, getting an idea of how the fight would "flow" and how one motion might go into the next. The lack of technicality, however, is masked by a heavy-hitting scene of a fisherman being bribed to carry this character to an island that the world chose to forget about. I really liked that part, even if making a new paragraph for every line made the piece as a whole as choppy as the waves.

10/10 vision, you've had this Original Sin idea in your head for quite a while and it's been a pleasure watching you expand upon it over the years.

6/10 originality. It's not like the inmates running the asylum is a new idea, but doing it on an island instead of in some ripoff of Africa is something else.

4/10 technique. Choppy paragraphs, long dialogue, and a fight scene with some questionable moves made it all very hard to understand what was going on through text alone. I had to reread some parts.

8/10 impact. Very nice visual imagery of the fog clearing to reveal a city that the world chooses to forget about, and the people all seem like they've got their own motivations. (Love the "iron spider" imagery.) Logan's combat prowess seems a little over-the-top, but it was necessary to get him out of that jam.